I only apologized because A. I actually am sorry for being a douche and B. It makes things more comfortable, at least i don't have to loath school anymore.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
August , 20 , 2013
To one of my followers,
See, I'm not going to deny it, you do disgust me, not for any like horrible slutty or harsh reasons like that, but for a fair valid point. Now, I'm not criticising or trying to be a hypocrite (even though this post will seem like it)
When you spend a majority of your time with one person, you learn their behaviour; the way they think, act ,feel, speak, move. You get used to these, you learn to adapt to them, and function with them.
Now, when that person suddenly thinks, acts, feels, speaks and moves differently, it comes as a shock or surprise, for the soul fact that you've never seen these behaviours before.
You showed me a side I have never seen before (As I've admitted a thousand times before , I'm not one to talk, I've changed too). Everything was you, you, you, you, you, me, you, you, you, me, you, you, you. Do you see the pattern? I did, but I didn't want to believe it, but unfortunately I got a dose of reality. You were so concerned with you, and how YOU felt and what YOU wanted and what YOU didn't have or didn't get. Every time we fought, it was how you felt or what I did to you, then id tell you how I felt or what I thought and id get "Im sorry for that, but you..". Everything and I mean literally everything was YOU. A relationship involves two people, and you can't be two until your one, get what I mean?
I just couldn't really stand the fact that you wanted all the attention all the time, and how self concerned you were.
That's what disgusted me, and still does, because I haven't really seen a difference.
NOW, since I know your going to blog about what I just said, do me and yourself a favour and just soak up everything I just said and actually think before you go "Well you did this, this, that, this,.." and so on.
- Whatever I am to you now a days.
See, I'm not going to deny it, you do disgust me, not for any like horrible slutty or harsh reasons like that, but for a fair valid point. Now, I'm not criticising or trying to be a hypocrite (even though this post will seem like it)
When you spend a majority of your time with one person, you learn their behaviour; the way they think, act ,feel, speak, move. You get used to these, you learn to adapt to them, and function with them.
Now, when that person suddenly thinks, acts, feels, speaks and moves differently, it comes as a shock or surprise, for the soul fact that you've never seen these behaviours before.
You showed me a side I have never seen before (As I've admitted a thousand times before , I'm not one to talk, I've changed too). Everything was you, you, you, you, you, me, you, you, you, me, you, you, you. Do you see the pattern? I did, but I didn't want to believe it, but unfortunately I got a dose of reality. You were so concerned with you, and how YOU felt and what YOU wanted and what YOU didn't have or didn't get. Every time we fought, it was how you felt or what I did to you, then id tell you how I felt or what I thought and id get "Im sorry for that, but you..". Everything and I mean literally everything was YOU. A relationship involves two people, and you can't be two until your one, get what I mean?
I just couldn't really stand the fact that you wanted all the attention all the time, and how self concerned you were.
That's what disgusted me, and still does, because I haven't really seen a difference.
NOW, since I know your going to blog about what I just said, do me and yourself a favour and just soak up everything I just said and actually think before you go "Well you did this, this, that, this,.." and so on.
- Whatever I am to you now a days.
Monday, 19 August 2013
August , 19, 2013
So after anything and everything, i just get forgotten about and left behind?
Well at least i know where i truly stand with you.
Thursday, 1 August 2013
August, 1, 2013
Funny thing is, i only said fuck you for one reason, i was talking to you, just talking, and trying to at least help or do good, anything. Then i got "And why try to understand now", so unneeded, you just could have been like "Just leave it alone luke" or something, but a smartass snarky comment had to be made. So if you wanna call names and all this shit 3 months later, i think you really need to re-evaluate yourself.
So don't tweet about me, don't tweet me, forget who i am and forget whatever i am to you, i don't want you looking at me, talking to me or even breathe around me. Because clearly neither one of us has a nice thing to say, so why say anything at all?
Its just funny how i put everything into those 2 years, and its like they didn't even exist.
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Monday, 8 July 2013
July , 8 , 2013 (Final)
I quit, nothing is good enough, i can't love people the way they want to be loved, i can't treat people the way i wanted to be treated. So why try? Nothing is ever good enough for anyone, and i have 16 years worth of examples, even more now.
So i guess this is goodbye, wait, no, goodbyes are for people you care about and who care about you.
I guess im just sorry i failed you all, im disappointed in myself so don't worry, but im sorry that i couldn't live up to what everyone wanted me to be.
But im also proud of myself, the last time i had this idea, i got told "You haven't even made it past grade 10, everything will get better" and i remember telling you that it won't, and look, i was right. But hey, got to go to a party, pass grade 10, get my license, see 16. I don't really have anything else to look forward too.
So Mom,Dad,Andrew,Deidre,Ryan,Emma,Adam,Matt and Jas: Thankyou, im sorry, i love you, goodbye.
Friday, 5 July 2013
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Friday, 28 June 2013
June , 28 , 2013
So today was the last day. It was really pointless. Plus it was just filled with drama.
This song just basically describes life in its entirety
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXn4ZRWKACs
I don't really mean anything, i have no use, i have no purpose.
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Saturday, 22 June 2013
June , 22 , 2013
I can't do this anymore..
I want you to show me how much i mean to you. I need to know that this is real, and I need to know your all in too..
Friday, 21 June 2013
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
June , 19 , 2013
It would just over complicate things even more..
Its all just going to get harder
That really says it all.. 2 years and you can't trust me
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Monday, 17 June 2013
Forever Feeling;
- Not Good Enough
- A Learning Opportunity
- Fuck Up
- Un-Wanted
- Hated
- Alone
- Weak
- Vulnerable
- Different
- Emo
- Waste Of Space
- Nostalgic
- A Negative
- An Embarrassment
- Shameful
- A Disgrace
- A Punching Bag
- Misunderstood
- Nothing..
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression
- A Learning Opportunity
- Fuck Up
- Un-Wanted
- Hated
- Alone
- Weak
- Vulnerable
- Different
- Emo
- Waste Of Space
- Nostalgic
- A Negative
- An Embarrassment
- Shameful
- A Disgrace
- A Punching Bag
- Misunderstood
- Nothing..
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression
June, 17, 2013
Waking up from a dream, crying, not because it was a bad dream, but because it was only just a dream...
Glad it's all just a joke.
None of this is funny, or ironic, or easy, or fun, or fair, or joyful, or happy, this is the absolute fucking worse, and every god dam day it gets worse and worse. So please for the love of god, just tell me im not the only one who can feel their heart miss beats, and can feel the space that no one ever wanted empty.
Sunday, 16 June 2013
June , 16 , 2013
And you expect me to get back together with you? You just snap for no reason, you won't even let me explain anything.. jeez
When you feel my heat, look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide, its where my demons hide.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
June, 13, 2013
Im just glad im not hurting, or being told all the wrong things ive done, or how i hurt you. Its just nice, makes me feel good.
You said we would fix things once we fix ourselves, yet, everyday there's always something new... let's just stop pretending
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
June , 12 , 2013
Finished my animation summative, now history exam.
Back to square one, so much for wanting to "fix" things..
I think the worst thing is, "You deserve better then Lucas" and you say thanks... if i was so fucking shitty why'd you stay?
Monday, 10 June 2013
June, 10 , 2013
Here comes the avoidance, ignorance, the hurt, and I'll be nothing, sounds good..
I can feel its pulse, i can feel it running through my veins, i hear it calling.. Do i answer or leave it be?
I can feel its pulse, i can feel it running through my veins, i hear it calling.. Do i answer or leave it be?
Sunday, 9 June 2013
How i actually feel..
So, obviously, I've been having a really tough time lately, I keep sugar coating how I feel or what's actually going through my head, so I guess ill just write it all down. Now.. I know you read this, why? ill never understand, but I really want you texting me saying its going to get better or something like that, none of this is really a quick fix, and I really don't understand why you don't understand. Also, if this makes you upset, then I'm sorry, but don't text me defending yourself either.
1. This Ben thing, I really don't understand why it still bugs me so much, its been a year, yet it still eats me alive, every minute of the day. Everyone keeps saying "Lucas, your such an ass hole now" or something about who I am. See, when something like that happens, you cant just continue with your day, it alters you, it makes you hard, its hard to trust, it legit changes who you are, I've changed, I don't let anyone in. Did you know most rapes or sexual assaults either come from a family member or close friend?...
2. Schools getting harder, and it doesn't slow down, but I wasted my time focusing on other things then school. Upside, im switching to all academic courses, and taking bio and functions, so eventually I can go to a good university and double major in drama and phycology, get my bachelors then my masters. I have a plan, thank god.
3. You... I don't really know where to start?... On Wednesday, when I had my low, you came to help, which I thank you for, but once we kissed, the day after I was nothing to you.. we have the same locker and you have my number... yet magically, its my fault for not saying anything? I tried.. I still do, but you don't make it easy. Second of all, your really not the only one hurting, just because I don't walk around the halls all sad, or blog about how hurt I am, doesn't mean I don't hurt. The way you talk to me, makes me feel like a kid with down-syndrome, you don't talk to me, you talk at me, and you know you do. I'm the type of person who doesn't stay friends after break ups, not because im bitter or angry, but because there's those silences, where "I love you" belongs, or there's those actions, where a kiss is supposed to go. Its awkward and it tears me apart bit by bit, but I've always told you, if I lose you, I don't want to lose you completely, but your making this un-believably hard. Third of all, I had brought to my attention, that I picked Adam over you, which is true I wont deny it and I own it, but I guess its karma for picking Ben and Jacqui over me, after you knew... or.. the fact that the day the whole Taylor shit went down, you literally begged me to lie, to protect your friendship with Jacqui, who picked ben over you almost all year, talked shit about YOU and ME and im sure there's many more, not criticizing just saying.. the last 2 months, everyone's been way more important then YOU, me and US as a unit, I needed you at times and you weren't there, but the same goes for me (Again, not denying it). But there's something, I can feel it in my bones, and so can others, that something happened, and you grew distant, fuck, it didn't even grow, you fully just let go, now if I wasn't good enough then im sorry, but I told you right from the start, I can't be your knight in shinning armour. The worst part is, there's times your with me, or say something to me, and you can literally hear my heart shatter, you talked to me like everyone else does, your the one person that I knew wouldn't treat me like everyone else, but hey, I treated you like shit so, fair is fair I guess. I remember last year, way back when, I kept telling you that I was worried about your final year, and you said " Well, we'll worry about it when the time comes.", that day came when I tried to talk to you and I got "Luke, this is a big stage in my life", yet, it never got dealt with..
We grew apart, You grew up, and im just the kid, so im sorry that you wasted 2 years dealing with this bull... At least when you find that Right Guy, you'll be truly happy, because judging from everything lately, you weren't...
1. This Ben thing, I really don't understand why it still bugs me so much, its been a year, yet it still eats me alive, every minute of the day. Everyone keeps saying "Lucas, your such an ass hole now" or something about who I am. See, when something like that happens, you cant just continue with your day, it alters you, it makes you hard, its hard to trust, it legit changes who you are, I've changed, I don't let anyone in. Did you know most rapes or sexual assaults either come from a family member or close friend?...
2. Schools getting harder, and it doesn't slow down, but I wasted my time focusing on other things then school. Upside, im switching to all academic courses, and taking bio and functions, so eventually I can go to a good university and double major in drama and phycology, get my bachelors then my masters. I have a plan, thank god.
3. You... I don't really know where to start?... On Wednesday, when I had my low, you came to help, which I thank you for, but once we kissed, the day after I was nothing to you.. we have the same locker and you have my number... yet magically, its my fault for not saying anything? I tried.. I still do, but you don't make it easy. Second of all, your really not the only one hurting, just because I don't walk around the halls all sad, or blog about how hurt I am, doesn't mean I don't hurt. The way you talk to me, makes me feel like a kid with down-syndrome, you don't talk to me, you talk at me, and you know you do. I'm the type of person who doesn't stay friends after break ups, not because im bitter or angry, but because there's those silences, where "I love you" belongs, or there's those actions, where a kiss is supposed to go. Its awkward and it tears me apart bit by bit, but I've always told you, if I lose you, I don't want to lose you completely, but your making this un-believably hard. Third of all, I had brought to my attention, that I picked Adam over you, which is true I wont deny it and I own it, but I guess its karma for picking Ben and Jacqui over me, after you knew... or.. the fact that the day the whole Taylor shit went down, you literally begged me to lie, to protect your friendship with Jacqui, who picked ben over you almost all year, talked shit about YOU and ME and im sure there's many more, not criticizing just saying.. the last 2 months, everyone's been way more important then YOU, me and US as a unit, I needed you at times and you weren't there, but the same goes for me (Again, not denying it). But there's something, I can feel it in my bones, and so can others, that something happened, and you grew distant, fuck, it didn't even grow, you fully just let go, now if I wasn't good enough then im sorry, but I told you right from the start, I can't be your knight in shinning armour. The worst part is, there's times your with me, or say something to me, and you can literally hear my heart shatter, you talked to me like everyone else does, your the one person that I knew wouldn't treat me like everyone else, but hey, I treated you like shit so, fair is fair I guess. I remember last year, way back when, I kept telling you that I was worried about your final year, and you said " Well, we'll worry about it when the time comes.", that day came when I tried to talk to you and I got "Luke, this is a big stage in my life", yet, it never got dealt with..
We grew apart, You grew up, and im just the kid, so im sorry that you wasted 2 years dealing with this bull... At least when you find that Right Guy, you'll be truly happy, because judging from everything lately, you weren't...
Saturday, 8 June 2013
June , 8 , 2013
The fact that im not even Lucas anymore, and just the "Suicidal 16 Year Old Who Got Raped" kinda just kills me...
Friday, 7 June 2013
Thursday, 6 June 2013
June , 6 , 2013
This history project sucks.. blah :/
Guess i can't do anything right..
Perks of a wallflower in history... great...
So.. i don't really care if you see this or not, or if you "try" to stop me or not, im going to do this, its going to happen, and come tomorrow, nothing will matter..
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
The Final Day
Well, i guess this is considered my note, ive lost everything, and now there's nothing left. I think im going to end it, there's nothing hold me back or talking me out of it, so i guess these are final.
Mom&Dad: My choice has nothing to do with your parenting, this is truly me and the way i feel, im not going to go into detail, that's 4 years worth. But just know i love you so much, and i thank you for everything, and im sorry for what I've done.
Emma: Im sorry you have to hear about this, i know this is something no sibling wants to hear, i love you emma and i thank you for every laugh and smile you've ever given me.
Adam&Matt: Well its been a great run, you've taught me a lot this past school year. Im sorry for this, i know you guys have talked me out of this numerous times. But i think im just gonna do it, I've had enough really, but this is no reflection on you, just souly my emotions.
Jas... : well, quite a ride wasn't it.. im sorry for doing this to you, you know why.. this is no reflection on our past or present, just the way i feel. Im also sorry for how much I've hurt you the past 2 years, I'll never be able to forgive myself. I just want to thank you, for everything, being there for me when i needed you, loving me for who i was, all of it. I just want you to know i love you and i always have, and i honestly hope you forgive me for what im going to do. I also hope you get everything sorted out, and be the best we both know you can be..
Well, that's all i guess.. this will be last post, and my last goodbye.
Xoxo - Luke
June , 5 , 2013
So im a problem you don't know how to deal with... nice
Upside 71 in careers, fuck yeah, hard work paid off
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
June , 4 , 2013
Why do i feel like your enjoying this, and your way happier. Did it really not matter? Or is it just not worth getting upset over?
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Feelings.
That feeling of losing your best friend, your love, your life, your everything, something you've worked on for 2 years.. that feeling of hopelessness.
That feeling of not being good enough, just a 16 year old, just a child, just a..friend...
May , 28 , 2013
I've been thinking a lot lately, about things ive heard, seen, all of that stuff..
Ive tried putting all the pieces together, but, they just don't add up..
It really makes me wonder...
Monday, 27 May 2013
Sunday, 26 May 2013
May, 26 , 2013
Lets get in the fuck truck and take it all the way to pound town?... horny thought of the day.
Saturday, 25 May 2013
May , 25 , 2013
Well this is shitty, considering we discussed this on thursday and never mentioned it...?
And know i fully realize that everytime we plan it or mention it, it always ends up not happening..
And you wonder why people say you won't touch me..
Why be a boyfriend anymore..
Friday, 24 May 2013
May , 24 , 2013
The hatred i have for every individual that crosses my path today is unbelievable..
Yup, your reaalllyyy showing it..
Thursday, 23 May 2013
May, 23 , 2013
Writing my mother a letter is one of the hardest things i can do, not because she's stubborn or anything. But, because i don't know what to say, do i talk to her like my mom, an adult, or my bestfriend?. That's the problem itself, she's all 3.
That's the first time In 2 years youve got off the phone without saying "I love you".... and the first time I've cried in 2 months...
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
May , 22 , 2013
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHuq-a3lKOQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Basically...
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Monday, 20 May 2013
The Greatest Things That Have Ever Happened To Me
Lets see:
1. My Girlfriend
2. My Girlfriend
3. My Girlfriend
4. Oh, My Girlfriend
Saturday, 18 May 2013
May , 18 , 2013
"I love you, You're perfect, Now change"
I have this overwhelming feeling, your going to fall for someone else.. and ill just sit and watch.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
May, 15 , 2013
Sorry, didn't know that compliments make things awkward. Last time i checked i give them too you a lot. And saying im "cute" isn't a compliment, I've heard it for 16 years. Matt compliments my looks and body more then you do..
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Monday, 13 May 2013
Saturday, 11 May 2013
Friday, 10 May 2013
May , 10 , 2013
My life is a living fucking hell.
I really don't know what to think or feel anymore, nothing feels right, nothing really makes sense anymore. I just feel lost.
I've heard positive things from people, but there's so many negatives, and im starting to believe them all, im going nowhere, i won't have a decent career, im an idiot, or stupid, basically everything under the sun. Though, being a disappointment really hit home. I guess its true, lately i can't do anything right or make anyone proud/happy.
I guess ive just kinda had enough of feeling like the only thing i was meant to be is a learning opportunity.
Im honestly a piece of shit boyfriend.
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
May , 8 , 2013
Alone... that's all i feel, just alone. Im even surprised that i can feel that, usually i just feel numb, but i guess loneliness takes over.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
April , 7 ,2013
Where to start...
Moms using all the money i have to fund her fucking needs, so all of the hard work went to waste and now im broke.
We watched schindlers list in history and no one, and i mean NO ONE, could shut the fuck up for one fucking second.
I keep having nightmares, go figure, it all replays over and over and i can't stop it.
And i feel so disconnected from her.. it honestly feels like were just friends, that's it. I don't know what to do, i try to strike up conversation, but she either isn't paying attention, or too busy talking about herself. That's who she is though, i always knew, but i never really noticed it, till now.
Were supposed to have a weekend together, but i don't really see the point anymore. Were gonna spend it together and it'll be amazing and so on. But i guarantee, when we get back to school, the disconnection will happen again.
I really don't understand what she wants from me, i try my best to make her feel good, and be happy, and hold her, and support her like i was told too. But what's the point if she doesn't want all of that, or even acknowledge it. She has a lot going on, understandable, but still..
I always say "Maybe you should find someone who can be what you want/need". I truly believe, in my heart, that its not me she wants, i mean she could tell me until she's out of breath, but actions speak louder then words. And her actions, they say it all..
So, i know you'll end up seeing this, so ill say what i need to and accept the consequences, Jas, i love you to death and you know it, but you really need to step out of the frame and look at the bigger picture..
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
April,28,2013
That's cool too... ill just go by myself
If your actually mad at me, for telling you to go to bed, and not to worry... maybe i shouldnt wake up, would that make you happy?
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Thursday, 25 April 2013
April, 25, 2013
Its been 2 weeks and its all going to shit. I honestly feel like you seriously don't love me like you did before..
Thursday, 18 April 2013
See this is the part i don't like
All of your friends don't want us having another "Messy Breakup", but i didn't make it messy, you did, you made it blow up. Im sorry if that hurts, but its true, you put it all over twitter, you told everyone. What did i do? I said nothing, did nothing, i kept to the shadows, so this messy breakup wouldnt have been messy
So if we ever break up, remember, you make it messy and look like a fool
Monday, 15 April 2013
When I look at you
A billion scenarios go through my head when I hear this.... http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE
April , 15 , 2013
So i remember telling simran about how crappy my birthday was this year, and she said she would make it up to me, and i didn't think she would, but she did, this morning she gave me a birthday cupcake she made herself, it said "Happy Birthday Lucas". After everything that's been going on, it really made me feel better.
And why your under the impression your a slut, I'll never understand, i always said your not, but i guess my words don't mean anything to you.
Well i did it! I managed to pass civics, even though its with a 57 its still a pass and im still super proud of myself. I worked hard to pass, and it paid off :).
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Moving on?
So this is it then? This is where our story ends? The princess doesn't get the fairy tale ending she wanted, so she pretends the knight Isn't real so she can move on. The knight accepts her wishes, but deep down the princess knows that he is real, and she'll always see him no matter where she is or what she's doing. The knight just smiles, because the same will happen to him, but he doesn't mind, one day he'll be over the princess, and the princess over him. But the knight now realizes something, he wasn't a knight at all, he was a retard in tin foil.
April , 14 , 2013
It hurts me more.. knowing that you act like i don't exist. But if you know me the way you claim to do, then you already know its hurts..
Seeing you today, was the hardest thing in the world.. i could feel how much you didn't want to talk to me. I just.. i needed to hear you say something, i know your mad, and i know you don't wanna be friends, i know how much you just wish i was gone. When i look at your blog when you talk about breaking down, i swear i break down at the same time..
I just want you to talk to me, so i can tell you how i feel, i know you can't read this, i want to send you the link but i can't.
Every time i listen to mirrors, you pop into my head.
Saturday, 13 April 2013
Honestly,
If you miss me, talk to me.. not like i said i didn't wanna be friends... you said not to talk to you, so im not.
Friday, 12 April 2013
April , 12 , 2013
There's a terrible feeling in my chest, its been there since yesterday, it feels like my lungs are collapsing in on me. Yesterday it didn't fully hit me.. today.. it did. Im gonna hear about how happy you are, and how good you are without me. Im gonna get the looks, the glares, whispers, rumors. There's a storm coming, and im waiting.
Im honestly hoping that this happy go lucky you is just an act, because if its not, then you honestly don't care, im breaking, just literally being ripped apart, bit by bit. I just hope instead of focusing on all the bad thats happened, you remember the good. I want you to remember your the most amazing girl I've ever met, and one day your gonna make someone really happy. Like you made me.
Believe what you want, hear what you wish, but just remember, i know you, and you know me.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
The Day My World Ended...
Well the title isnt drastic.. I mean my world really did come to an end.
We called it quits ( Well i did ).. why? Im not really sure, but i know im a coward for doing it, i ran when i should have dug in.
I don't really feel anything right now.. im just kind of numb. I kind of just wanna disapeer, but not for a while.. more like forever.
Just go for a long walk and never come back.
I hurt her so bad.. and im having the worst chest pains and my aniexty is through the roof
Your are the most amazing person ive ever met, and im sorry i did this to you, i can honestly tell youll ill never be able to forgive myself for what ive done. But Just know that I LOVE YOU, and i always will...
Ill never forget about you jas..
- Luke
T.N.A.F
Thank You
We called it quits ( Well i did ).. why? Im not really sure, but i know im a coward for doing it, i ran when i should have dug in.
I don't really feel anything right now.. im just kind of numb. I kind of just wanna disapeer, but not for a while.. more like forever.
Just go for a long walk and never come back.
I hurt her so bad.. and im having the worst chest pains and my aniexty is through the roof
Your are the most amazing person ive ever met, and im sorry i did this to you, i can honestly tell youll ill never be able to forgive myself for what ive done. But Just know that I LOVE YOU, and i always will...
Ill never forget about you jas..
- Luke
T.N.A.F
Thank You
Monday, 1 April 2013
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Jas..
Hey baby, so when I heard this song it really made me think of you.. Here are the lyrics <3
It's like technicolor in black and white
I felt like a boxer without a fight
A night in Vegas without all the lights
Before you
I could only see as deep as the skin
Before you
I never thought I could let anyone in
Before you
I was waiting for my life to begin
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
My walls are falling and my white flag is high
I've surrendered to the feeling inside
I look in to your eyes and rewind
Before you
I could only see as deep as the skin
Before you
I never thought I could let anyone in
Before you
I was waiting for my life to begin
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
(You are) Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
(You are) Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
It's like technicolor in black and white
I felt like a boxer without a fight
A night in Vegas without all the lights
Before you
I could only see as deep as the skin
Before you
I never thought I could let anyone in
Before you
I was waiting for my life to begin
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
My walls are falling and my white flag is high
I've surrendered to the feeling inside
I look in to your eyes and rewind
Before you
I could only see as deep as the skin
Before you
I never thought I could let anyone in
Before you
I was waiting for my life to begin
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
(You are) Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
(You are) Hand on my heart, feel how my heart beats (heart beats)
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
You are, you are the proof
that love is beautiful
You are, you are the truth
something unusual
You are, you are my fire
you're burning like the sun
You are, you are, you are
you are the only one
Sunday, 24 March 2013
What she doesn't know..
All my life, I've asked for forgiveness from people, from people i did nothing too, but people who hurt me.
I asked for my siblings forgiveness, i said sorry, but for what? They left me in the rearview mirror. My sister texted me and mom saying she's homeless and has no money to come see us. She lives with her dad, she doesn't want to see us, but i still said sorry just so she'll come down.
I said sorry to him.. after HE took ADVANTAGE of ME. I said sorry for something i never did. Why? Just so people wouldnt leave me or be mad.
I said sorry to you, yes i hurted you. But saying you forgive me, and not saying sorry to me? Not cool, if that sounds selfish or mean then im sorry. But you hurt me too, i don't say anything about it, because im so used to being hurt. But for once in my life, id like to hear someone say there sorry and mean it because they fucked up too..
Its selfish..but its how i feel and im not hiding it anymore..
- Selfish Luke
Thursday, 21 March 2013
March , 21, 2013
I don't feel so great, i guess i did it to myself. Everything is taking the biggest toll on me, and its making me weak.
I don't like feeling weak, it makes me feel terrible which i do. I took everything out on her and its not fair, and i know she's going to break up with me. Im trying to ready for it, but i know i never will be.
I don't want to lose her, but i did this to myself , i pushed. I just hate myself because i know i hurt her, even after she blogged about how i never would. I fucked up there.
I wish nothing but the best for her, because i can't be the one to give her that
- Luke
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Mirrors
So I've been listening to a song called "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake, and the song is basically about his other half ( A Girl ). This song Reminds me of you baby, even the first time i heard it, I LOVE YOU so much jas, Your my "Mirror".
Lyrics:
Aren't you somethin' to admire
Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Aren't you somethin', an original
Cause it doesn't seem really as simple
And I can't help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
You are, you are the love of my life [x10]
Baby, you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are
You are, you are the love of my life [x8]
Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You're my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
Lyrics:
Aren't you somethin' to admire
Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Aren't you somethin', an original
Cause it doesn't seem really as simple
And I can't help but stare, cause
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you
You reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I
Would look at us all the time
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass
I'm here tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me
I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
You are, you are the love of my life [x10]
Baby, you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are
You are, you are the love of my life [x8]
Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You're my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
Friday, 15 March 2013
March,15,2013
Why do i feel like even when i do things with other people, i still feel alone, why is it that when i talk, people hear me but don't listen.
I feel alone all the time and it sucks, i kinda just want someone to show interest in me and what i say and do, and have interest in me as a person.
Me and her are drifting again, but this time, i don't think i wanna hold on anymore, what's the point, im nothing.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Saturday, 2 March 2013
The Chronicles..
Right now, I dont even know what to say, or think, or feel really..
I guess slowly falling apart is the way to go?
Oh wait, I've been doing that for months, Silly me.
Now This Whole "Situation".., i guess its life, i mean we both know the conciquences right? We both Agreed? We Both Know Its Never Ever 100%...
Its not that i dont trust anyone, or i dont want people to know.. Its just the whole, what will people think of me, Im the one who did it?
I cant handle emotionally or mentally the fact that i potentialy ruined her life....
The worse part, is she doesnt wanna do it "alone"... Like? Im your Boyfriend.. But That really fucking hurt
Basically, if were not, then im going, because im not doing this anymore
Ive reached my limit....
DONE
I guess slowly falling apart is the way to go?
Oh wait, I've been doing that for months, Silly me.
Now This Whole "Situation".., i guess its life, i mean we both know the conciquences right? We both Agreed? We Both Know Its Never Ever 100%...
Its not that i dont trust anyone, or i dont want people to know.. Its just the whole, what will people think of me, Im the one who did it?
I cant handle emotionally or mentally the fact that i potentialy ruined her life....
The worse part, is she doesnt wanna do it "alone"... Like? Im your Boyfriend.. But That really fucking hurt
Basically, if were not, then im going, because im not doing this anymore
Ive reached my limit....
DONE
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Hope
My mind is a complete and uter fucking mess, why?
There's so many reasons that their all unbelievable
I feel more alone then ever, and i dont know why, there is just emptyness inside me.
I guess i started feeling like this when mom went on her trip and the whole home alone fiasco, then everything slowly started crumbling. I thought it was a good idea to watch "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" because ive never seen it before.. i should have read the book, ive never watched something so relatable to me before in my entire life, i know exactly how charlie ( The main character ) felt.. but there was one thing that sunk in my heart, his senior friends Sam And Patrick toasted him at a party, Charlie said " What did i do?" and then Patrick said something, and Charlie looked sad, so Sam said "Whats Wrong?" and what charlie said got to me... " I just thought nobody noticed me"... I knew exactly how it felt, i still do, people say i have friends, but i dont see them calling me up asking to go out..
The ironic part about that whole movie is, there really is no perk to being a wallflower.. i mean once you feel noticed and important, its the greatest feeling on earth, but eventually everyone slips away.
Ever since i was a kid, ive watched people come in and out of my life, that now i dont really care for people, i guess its a defence thing? Like once youve been hurt so much, the hurt stops and you just become numb and dont feel anything and thats the way i feel. I have so much hidden behind my eyes and smile that if i really told people how i feel, i wouldnt have people to tell..
You can tell my minds a mess because even my thoughts on here are all over the place.
But i've been thinking about me and jas, i've been thinking that, What if im not a good boyfriend? What if im not a good friend? What if i cant make her as happy as she wants me to, or how happy I want to make her? What if there really is bigger and better out there? What if my good, isnt really good enough? What if i cant give her what she wants? What if she just thinks of me as one big sexual demonic douche bag? What if im too emotional for her? What if im to wierd for her? What if im to fucked up for her? What if im not as balanced as she wants me to be?
But do i ask her these things? No, im too afraid to hear the answers, as if anyone would be..
I always hear about how people think im funny and happy-go-lucky and positive and just willing to look at things with the best attitude. What if people knew sometimes i just feel like slitting my wrists, what if people knew that i wanted to burn every inch of me? what if people knew i just wanted the world to stop because im so tired of caring about everyone and anyone, what if im tired of people treating me like shit everyday, what if i feel worthless every single minute of every single day, what if i feel like god just put me here to feel the pain i do. Do i feel pain? Yes. Does it hurt like it used to? No, and it hasnt in a while. I just keep quite, i crumble and cry on the inside, but i appear happy and cheerful on the outside, because i know people are so fucking cruel that if you show an ounce of weakness THAT THEY'LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREADS UNTIL YOU LITTERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR OR CARE ABOUT.
Honestly Im one big fucking wreck and i dont know how to explain it to anyone, this is why i wanna be a councillor, so kids dont have to feel worthless and think theit nothing, and so they have someone to talk to, that will actually sit there and listen to every word there saying, and understand every sign theyre putting up for people.
I talk, I talk all the god dam fucking time!, Do people listen? Yes, But do people really LISTEN? I cant say, im not them, nor will i ever be, but one can only hope
Because at the end of the day, thats all you really have, and thats all you can really thrive on...
HOPE.
There's so many reasons that their all unbelievable
I feel more alone then ever, and i dont know why, there is just emptyness inside me.
I guess i started feeling like this when mom went on her trip and the whole home alone fiasco, then everything slowly started crumbling. I thought it was a good idea to watch "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" because ive never seen it before.. i should have read the book, ive never watched something so relatable to me before in my entire life, i know exactly how charlie ( The main character ) felt.. but there was one thing that sunk in my heart, his senior friends Sam And Patrick toasted him at a party, Charlie said " What did i do?" and then Patrick said something, and Charlie looked sad, so Sam said "Whats Wrong?" and what charlie said got to me... " I just thought nobody noticed me"... I knew exactly how it felt, i still do, people say i have friends, but i dont see them calling me up asking to go out..
The ironic part about that whole movie is, there really is no perk to being a wallflower.. i mean once you feel noticed and important, its the greatest feeling on earth, but eventually everyone slips away.
Ever since i was a kid, ive watched people come in and out of my life, that now i dont really care for people, i guess its a defence thing? Like once youve been hurt so much, the hurt stops and you just become numb and dont feel anything and thats the way i feel. I have so much hidden behind my eyes and smile that if i really told people how i feel, i wouldnt have people to tell..
You can tell my minds a mess because even my thoughts on here are all over the place.
But i've been thinking about me and jas, i've been thinking that, What if im not a good boyfriend? What if im not a good friend? What if i cant make her as happy as she wants me to, or how happy I want to make her? What if there really is bigger and better out there? What if my good, isnt really good enough? What if i cant give her what she wants? What if she just thinks of me as one big sexual demonic douche bag? What if im too emotional for her? What if im to wierd for her? What if im to fucked up for her? What if im not as balanced as she wants me to be?
But do i ask her these things? No, im too afraid to hear the answers, as if anyone would be..
I always hear about how people think im funny and happy-go-lucky and positive and just willing to look at things with the best attitude. What if people knew sometimes i just feel like slitting my wrists, what if people knew that i wanted to burn every inch of me? what if people knew i just wanted the world to stop because im so tired of caring about everyone and anyone, what if im tired of people treating me like shit everyday, what if i feel worthless every single minute of every single day, what if i feel like god just put me here to feel the pain i do. Do i feel pain? Yes. Does it hurt like it used to? No, and it hasnt in a while. I just keep quite, i crumble and cry on the inside, but i appear happy and cheerful on the outside, because i know people are so fucking cruel that if you show an ounce of weakness THAT THEY'LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREADS UNTIL YOU LITTERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR OR CARE ABOUT.
Honestly Im one big fucking wreck and i dont know how to explain it to anyone, this is why i wanna be a councillor, so kids dont have to feel worthless and think theit nothing, and so they have someone to talk to, that will actually sit there and listen to every word there saying, and understand every sign theyre putting up for people.
I talk, I talk all the god dam fucking time!, Do people listen? Yes, But do people really LISTEN? I cant say, im not them, nor will i ever be, but one can only hope
Because at the end of the day, thats all you really have, and thats all you can really thrive on...
HOPE.
Friday, 22 February 2013
February, 21, 2013
So my days actually been prettygood, but its only 2nd period.
I saw jas today, and it made me feel better, all my worries and thoughts went away, seeing her just makes it all better.
The afternoon was ok, i was left home alone with me and my thoughts, which wasn't that bad. I called jas for our daily late night phone call, and we shared our feelings together and she started crying and it broke my heart.. i hate hearing her cry, i just wished i could make it all better for her, she's so special.. but she doesn't see it.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
The 19th
So me and my girl had the house to ourselves yesterday.. We were supposed to do the deed at lunch, but she went downtown to get my birthday present which I loved.
So you can guess what we did when everyone was gone, it was the best sex we've ever had, because it wasn't rushed and we could just be us and do what we wanted to do, and it was memorizing and beautiful and heart warming, then after we took a shower together which is something I've always wanted to do.
But, because my mind was all jumbled, I forgot to dispose of the evidence , so that makes me the idiot of the year, and my parents are pretty pissed. It's understandable, but me and her can never have alone time , so we took our alone time. Do I regret it? Not one bit, it was absolutely perfect.
I started over thinking though, and I guess that ruined it after, so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't mention it. I just wanna know if it meant to her what it meant to me, know what I mean?.. I'm honestly such a terrible boyfriend .. And idk what to do or say..
Help?
So you can guess what we did when everyone was gone, it was the best sex we've ever had, because it wasn't rushed and we could just be us and do what we wanted to do, and it was memorizing and beautiful and heart warming, then after we took a shower together which is something I've always wanted to do.
But, because my mind was all jumbled, I forgot to dispose of the evidence , so that makes me the idiot of the year, and my parents are pretty pissed. It's understandable, but me and her can never have alone time , so we took our alone time. Do I regret it? Not one bit, it was absolutely perfect.
I started over thinking though, and I guess that ruined it after, so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't mention it. I just wanna know if it meant to her what it meant to me, know what I mean?.. I'm honestly such a terrible boyfriend .. And idk what to do or say..
Help?
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Day before/Birthday
My 16th birthday was the most fucking shittiest thing to ever happen to me, i knew it would suck but i was just praying it would be good.. but was it, nope
Happy birthday luke..
- Luke
February, 16, 2013
So today hasn't been the best morning, i called in sick to work, which i don't mind, its been a long week.
Me and jas are going out today, but things seem really off again, im trying not to pay attention to it, or bug her about it because i don't want her to leave me :$.
I guess it started last night, there was weird replys ( At least i thought ) then i called her and neither of us said anything, other then the usual stuff, then just long silences.... i hope i didn't do anything wrong, because if i did, i feel bad.
I mean, i feel bad anyways... i bought her the flowers she's always wanted, i made her a video to prove how i feel, then the next day, we drifted apart, and we keep drifting apart. Everything gets better and then things between us get absolutely perfect, and then we drift.. and i mean really drift.
She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but sometimes i feel like i love her way more then she loves me, and that i care about us more then she does, if that's the case i don't know what to do. I mean if i care more, it hurts way more, right? And it hurts enough already..
Im probably just being paranoid/insecure.. but i don't know, i guess she'll never fully understand how i feel...
- Luke
Friday, 15 February 2013
Bombs dropped from no where
Why is it the world insists on dropping bombs on me when im already feeling 6 feet under?
First the stuff at school which i got over because its just my birthday, but now i have denai texting me asking if i wanna go to the movies with her after work one day, and shes "misses hanging with me", what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Too top it all off, she said she's wanted to talk to me for a long time but was scared too after the summer?, it was a mistake, i was lonely, i didn't have jas... but now i do, and im madly in love with her, and i wouldn't want to be with anyone else, i can't picture myself with anyone else, can't anybody see that?
Or am i invisible now...
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Valentines Day
Well im all ready for the day, im on my way to school soon, to show my girl what i got, i hope she loves it, wish me luck !
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Feb, 13, 2013
Well so far my days been good, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but now i have a really big assignment for my animation class so i just hope i can do it!
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
HeartAche- ish
Sometimes i feel like i care too much for her, and that i care for her more, and sometimes im waiting for that text, but its rare, i just insecure and nervous as fuck, but if that were to happen, i remind myself that at the end of the day, we both tried, and ill always love her, but will eventually let go, because after a break up, you can't hold on forever.
I don't know why im saying this but i guess its kinda been on my mind i guess :$?
7:50
Ugh, today has been a stressful day, but me and my girlfriend have gotten better today, finally we talked and got all of this sorted out.
Which is something i really needed delt with, it's been eating me alive, like i love her so much its ridiculous, she's my everything, i love her like winnie the pooh loves honey, and i need her like fish need water. She makes me the happiest boy in the world and she is the greatest thing that could ever happen to me.
She is the greatest, she's caring,kind,loving,funny,beautiful and big hearted. She is my sunshine in the morning, and moon light during the night.
I Thank god for every moment i spend with her, she's not just my girlfriend or best friend, she's...
Mi Amore
Xoxo - Luke
February, 12, 2013
Its been a really shit day and it keeps getting worse, me and my girlfriend have been distant for the last 3 days, it's probably my fault, it usually is. I don't deserve someone as good as her, and i take her for granted.. i just don't know what to do anymore..
Help?
Anyone?.....
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