So, obviously, I've been having a really tough time lately, I keep sugar coating how I feel or what's actually going through my head, so I guess ill just write it all down. Now.. I know you read this, why? ill never understand, but I really want you texting me saying its going to get better or something like that, none of this is really a quick fix, and I really don't understand why you don't understand. Also, if this makes you upset, then I'm sorry, but don't text me defending yourself either.
1. This Ben thing, I really don't understand why it still bugs me so much, its been a year, yet it still eats me alive, every minute of the day. Everyone keeps saying "Lucas, your such an ass hole now" or something about who I am. See, when something like that happens, you cant just continue with your day, it alters you, it makes you hard, its hard to trust, it legit changes who you are, I've changed, I don't let anyone in. Did you know most rapes or sexual assaults either come from a family member or close friend?...
2. Schools getting harder, and it doesn't slow down, but I wasted my time focusing on other things then school. Upside, im switching to all academic courses, and taking bio and functions, so eventually I can go to a good university and double major in drama and phycology, get my bachelors then my masters. I have a plan, thank god.
3. You... I don't really know where to start?... On Wednesday, when I had my low, you came to help, which I thank you for, but once we kissed, the day after I was nothing to you.. we have the same locker and you have my number... yet magically, its my fault for not saying anything? I tried.. I still do, but you don't make it easy. Second of all, your really not the only one hurting, just because I don't walk around the halls all sad, or blog about how hurt I am, doesn't mean I don't hurt. The way you talk to me, makes me feel like a kid with down-syndrome, you don't talk to me, you talk at me, and you know you do. I'm the type of person who doesn't stay friends after break ups, not because im bitter or angry, but because there's those silences, where "I love you" belongs, or there's those actions, where a kiss is supposed to go. Its awkward and it tears me apart bit by bit, but I've always told you, if I lose you, I don't want to lose you completely, but your making this un-believably hard. Third of all, I had brought to my attention, that I picked Adam over you, which is true I wont deny it and I own it, but I guess its karma for picking Ben and Jacqui over me, after you knew... or.. the fact that the day the whole Taylor shit went down, you literally begged me to lie, to protect your friendship with Jacqui, who picked ben over you almost all year, talked shit about YOU and ME and im sure there's many more, not criticizing just saying.. the last 2 months, everyone's been way more important then YOU, me and US as a unit, I needed you at times and you weren't there, but the same goes for me (Again, not denying it). But there's something, I can feel it in my bones, and so can others, that something happened, and you grew distant, fuck, it didn't even grow, you fully just let go, now if I wasn't good enough then im sorry, but I told you right from the start, I can't be your knight in shinning armour. The worst part is, there's times your with me, or say something to me, and you can literally hear my heart shatter, you talked to me like everyone else does, your the one person that I knew wouldn't treat me like everyone else, but hey, I treated you like shit so, fair is fair I guess. I remember last year, way back when, I kept telling you that I was worried about your final year, and you said " Well, we'll worry about it when the time comes.", that day came when I tried to talk to you and I got "Luke, this is a big stage in my life", yet, it never got dealt with..
We grew apart, You grew up, and im just the kid, so im sorry that you wasted 2 years dealing with this bull... At least when you find that Right Guy, you'll be truly happy, because judging from everything lately, you weren't...
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