Hope

My mind is a complete and uter fucking mess, why?

There's so many reasons that their all unbelievable

I feel more alone then ever, and i dont know why, there is just emptyness inside me.

I guess i started feeling like this when mom went on her trip and the whole home alone fiasco, then everything slowly started crumbling. I thought it was a good idea to watch "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" because ive never seen it before.. i should have read the book, ive never watched something so relatable to me before in my entire life, i know exactly how charlie ( The main character ) felt.. but there was one thing that sunk in my heart, his senior friends Sam And Patrick toasted him at a party, Charlie said " What did i do?" and then Patrick said something, and Charlie looked sad, so Sam said "Whats Wrong?" and what charlie said got to me... " I just thought nobody noticed me"... I knew exactly how it felt, i still do, people say i have friends, but i dont see them calling me up asking to go out..

The ironic part about that whole movie is, there really is no perk to being a wallflower.. i mean once you feel noticed and important, its the greatest feeling on earth, but eventually everyone slips away.

Ever since i was a kid, ive watched people come in and out of my life, that now i dont really care for people, i guess its a defence thing? Like once youve been hurt so much, the hurt stops and you just become numb and dont feel anything and thats the way i feel. I have so much hidden behind my eyes and smile that if i really told people how i feel, i wouldnt have people to tell..

You can tell my minds a mess because even my thoughts on here are all over the place.

But i've been thinking about me and jas, i've been thinking that, What if im not a good boyfriend? What if im not a good friend? What if i cant make her as happy as she wants me to, or how happy I want to make her? What if there really is bigger and better out there? What if my good, isnt really good enough? What if i cant give her what she wants? What if she just thinks of me as one big sexual demonic douche bag? What if im too emotional for her? What if im to wierd for her? What if im to fucked up for her? What if im not as balanced as she wants me to be?

But do i ask her these things? No, im too afraid to hear the answers, as if anyone would be..

I always hear about how people think im funny and happy-go-lucky and positive and just willing to look at things with the best attitude. What if people knew sometimes i just feel like slitting my wrists, what if people knew that i wanted to burn every inch of me? what if people knew i just wanted the world to stop because im so tired of caring about everyone and anyone, what if im tired of people treating me like shit everyday, what if i feel worthless every single minute of every single day, what if i feel like god just put me here to feel the pain i do. Do i feel pain? Yes. Does it hurt like it used to? No, and it hasnt in a while. I just keep quite, i crumble and cry on the inside, but i appear happy and cheerful on the outside, because i know people are so fucking cruel that if you show an ounce of weakness THAT THEY'LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREADS UNTIL YOU LITTERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR OR CARE ABOUT.

Honestly Im one big fucking wreck and i dont know how to explain it to anyone, this is why i wanna be a councillor, so kids dont have to feel worthless and think theit nothing, and so they have someone to talk to, that will actually sit there and listen to every word there saying, and understand every sign theyre putting up for people.

I talk, I talk all the god dam fucking time!, Do people listen? Yes, But do people really LISTEN? I cant say, im not them, nor will i ever be, but one can only hope

Because at the end of the day, thats all you really have, and thats all you can really thrive on...

HOPE.