Hope

My mind is a complete and uter fucking mess, why?

There's so many reasons that their all unbelievable

I feel more alone then ever, and i dont know why, there is just emptyness inside me.

I guess i started feeling like this when mom went on her trip and the whole home alone fiasco, then everything slowly started crumbling. I thought it was a good idea to watch "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" because ive never seen it before.. i should have read the book, ive never watched something so relatable to me before in my entire life, i know exactly how charlie ( The main character ) felt.. but there was one thing that sunk in my heart, his senior friends Sam And Patrick toasted him at a party, Charlie said " What did i do?" and then Patrick said something, and Charlie looked sad, so Sam said "Whats Wrong?" and what charlie said got to me... " I just thought nobody noticed me"... I knew exactly how it felt, i still do, people say i have friends, but i dont see them calling me up asking to go out..

The ironic part about that whole movie is, there really is no perk to being a wallflower.. i mean once you feel noticed and important, its the greatest feeling on earth, but eventually everyone slips away.

Ever since i was a kid, ive watched people come in and out of my life, that now i dont really care for people, i guess its a defence thing? Like once youve been hurt so much, the hurt stops and you just become numb and dont feel anything and thats the way i feel. I have so much hidden behind my eyes and smile that if i really told people how i feel, i wouldnt have people to tell..

You can tell my minds a mess because even my thoughts on here are all over the place.

But i've been thinking about me and jas, i've been thinking that, What if im not a good boyfriend? What if im not a good friend? What if i cant make her as happy as she wants me to, or how happy I want to make her? What if there really is bigger and better out there? What if my good, isnt really good enough? What if i cant give her what she wants? What if she just thinks of me as one big sexual demonic douche bag? What if im too emotional for her? What if im to wierd for her? What if im to fucked up for her? What if im not as balanced as she wants me to be?

But do i ask her these things? No, im too afraid to hear the answers, as if anyone would be..

I always hear about how people think im funny and happy-go-lucky and positive and just willing to look at things with the best attitude. What if people knew sometimes i just feel like slitting my wrists, what if people knew that i wanted to burn every inch of me? what if people knew i just wanted the world to stop because im so tired of caring about everyone and anyone, what if im tired of people treating me like shit everyday, what if i feel worthless every single minute of every single day, what if i feel like god just put me here to feel the pain i do. Do i feel pain? Yes. Does it hurt like it used to? No, and it hasnt in a while. I just keep quite, i crumble and cry on the inside, but i appear happy and cheerful on the outside, because i know people are so fucking cruel that if you show an ounce of weakness THAT THEY'LL FUCKING RIP YOU TO SHREADS UNTIL YOU LITTERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR OR CARE ABOUT.

Honestly Im one big fucking wreck and i dont know how to explain it to anyone, this is why i wanna be a councillor, so kids dont have to feel worthless and think theit nothing, and so they have someone to talk to, that will actually sit there and listen to every word there saying, and understand every sign theyre putting up for people.

I talk, I talk all the god dam fucking time!, Do people listen? Yes, But do people really LISTEN? I cant say, im not them, nor will i ever be, but one can only hope

Because at the end of the day, thats all you really have, and thats all you can really thrive on...

HOPE.

February, 21, 2013

So my days actually been prettygood, but its only 2nd period.

I saw jas today, and it made me feel better, all my worries and thoughts went away, seeing her just makes it all better.

The afternoon was ok, i was left home alone with me and my thoughts, which wasn't that bad. I called jas for our daily late night phone call, and we shared our feelings together and she started crying and it broke my heart.. i hate hearing her cry, i just wished i could make it all better for her, she's so special.. but she doesn't see it.

The 19th

So me and my girl had the house to ourselves yesterday.. We were supposed to do the deed at lunch, but she went downtown to get my birthday present which I loved.

So you can guess what we did when everyone was gone, it was the best sex we've ever had, because it wasn't rushed and we could just be us and do what we wanted to do, and it was memorizing and beautiful and heart warming, then after we took a shower together which is something I've always wanted to do.

But, because my mind was all jumbled, I forgot to dispose of the evidence , so that makes me the idiot of the year, and my parents are pretty pissed. It's understandable, but me and her can never have alone time , so we took our alone time. Do I regret it? Not one bit, it was absolutely perfect.

I started over thinking though, and I guess that ruined it after, so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't mention it. I just wanna know if it meant to her what it meant to me, know what I mean?.. I'm honestly such a terrible boyfriend .. And idk what to do or say..

Help?

Day before/Birthday

My 16th birthday was the most fucking shittiest thing to ever happen to me, i knew it would suck but i was just praying it would be good.. but was it, nope
Happy birthday luke..

- Luke

February, 16, 2013

So today hasn't been the best morning, i called in sick to work, which i don't mind, its been a long week.

Me and jas are going out today, but things seem really off again, im trying not to pay attention to it, or bug her about it because i don't want her to leave me :$.

I guess it started last night, there was weird replys ( At least i thought ) then i called her and neither of us said anything, other then the usual stuff, then just long silences.... i hope i didn't do anything wrong, because if i did, i feel bad.

I mean, i feel bad anyways... i bought her the flowers she's always wanted, i made her a video to prove how i feel, then the next day, we drifted apart, and we keep drifting apart. Everything gets better and then things between us get absolutely perfect, and then we drift.. and i mean really drift.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but sometimes i feel like i love her way more then she loves me, and that i care about us more then she does, if that's the case i don't know what to do. I mean if i care more, it hurts way more, right? And it hurts enough already..

Im probably just being paranoid/insecure.. but i don't know, i guess she'll never fully understand how i feel...

- Luke

Bombs dropped from no where

Why is it the world insists on dropping bombs on me when im already feeling 6 feet under?

First the stuff at school which i got over because its just my birthday, but now i have denai texting me asking if i wanna go to the movies with her after work one day, and shes "misses hanging with me", what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Too top it all off, she said she's wanted to talk to me for a long time but was scared too after the summer?, it was a mistake, i was lonely, i didn't have jas... but now i do, and im madly in love with her, and i wouldn't want to be with anyone else, i can't picture myself with anyone else, can't anybody see that?

Or am i invisible now...

Valentines Day

Well im all ready for the day, im on my way to school soon, to show my girl what i got, i hope she loves it, wish me luck !

Feb, 13, 2013

Well so far my days been good, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude, but now i have a really big assignment for my animation class so i just hope i can do it!

HeartAche- ish

Sometimes i feel like i care too much for her, and that i care for her more, and sometimes im waiting for that text, but its rare, i just insecure and nervous as fuck, but if that were to happen, i remind myself that at the end of the day, we both tried, and ill always love her, but will eventually let go, because after a break up, you can't hold on forever.

I don't know why im saying this but i guess its kinda been on my mind i guess :$?

7:50

Ugh, today has been a stressful day, but me and my girlfriend have gotten better today, finally we talked and got all of this sorted out.
Which is something i really needed delt with, it's been eating me alive, like i love her so much its ridiculous, she's my everything, i love her like winnie the pooh loves honey, and i need her like fish need water. She makes me the happiest boy in the world and she is the greatest thing that could ever happen to me.
She is the greatest, she's caring,kind,loving,funny,beautiful and big hearted. She is my sunshine in the morning, and moon light during the night.
I Thank god for every moment i spend with her, she's not just my girlfriend or best friend, she's...
Mi Amore
Xoxo - Luke

Holy

I swear today is national let everyone in woodlands have a terrible day..day.

February, 12, 2013

Its been a really shit day and it keeps getting worse, me and my girlfriend have been distant for the last 3 days, it's probably my fault, it usually is. I don't deserve someone as good as her, and i take her for granted.. i just don't know what to do anymore..

Help?

Anyone?.....